In My Defencelessness, My Safety Lies: A New Way Through Conflict

The revolution of not fighting back

Why has this lesson in A Course in Miracles been ringing in my ears through the night?

Why did I instinctively turn to this lesson in my notebook, only to find that in my 1000+ page A Course in Miracles book, the only page that had been folded over… was also the exact same one?

Lesson 153: In my defencelessness, my safety lies.

It wasn’t a coincidence. A deepening was about to happen.

The Two Faces of Defence

After a conversation with a dear client yesterday, I wrote about how defence shows up in two primary ways:

We make ourselves less to avoid pain. We disappear. Avoid. Shrink. Go undercover. Out of fear of being hurt. And out of fear that others will feel insecure around us.

As Marianne Williamson so perfectly said:

“Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

We also make ourselves bigger to avoid pain. We inflate and inflame. Power over. Blame. Defame. Also out of fear of being hurt, of feeling insecure.

But both of these responses - shrinking or inflating - lead us to the same place - Powerlessness.

Because even if we appear to have “won”, the underlying feeling of unsafety remains.

Why?

Because both responses are rooted in the consciousness of fear. And when we choose defence, we are at war, not only with others, but within ourselves. We forget who we are. And we forget who they are too, mistaking their behaviour for their identity, not realising that they too have forgotten.

So What Do We Do?

We know the answer isn’t to roll over in powerlessness or spiritual bypass. We also know the answer isn’t in the intimidation of boxing gloves.

The answer is ministering love. Unconventional, unpopular, unexpected and certainly not the default.

Ministering love does not mean rescuing, or patronising, or manipulating or hiding our anger under a mask of kindness.

It’s not about ego-patting or a superficial self-comfort rescue job.

Ministering love is an act of radical empowerment, starting at home - through the consciousness we hold ourselves in for our wellbeing, for our happiness, for our peace.

It asks:

• What does Love want of me and for me in this situation?

• What is Love’s plan here?

• Why does this situation matter to my soul?

• If I were “the one” to lead this moment with humility and strength, vulnerability and power, what would I see?

• How would I lead myself, and by consequence, others?

Whilst we might think that ministering love means we need to “do” something with the other, the only thing we need to “do” is to see their pain, to remember that their behaviour is not who they are, and to love them as best as we can, and if we can’t love them in this moment, to acknowledge that what I see in them I also have within me, Ho’oponopono style.

A Personal Memory

During my divorce, a story with its own threads of infidelity and abuse, I chose not to hold onto anger.

One day I was sitting in my office during my HR Directorship days. My mum called, furious with my ex-husband. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling the same.  This was before my personal growth journey began.  And yet I said, “If I hold onto the anger, even though we’re no longer together, I’ll still be in that relationship.  And I choose peace.”

But Am I Being a Pollyanna?

That word floated through as I was writing this.

Am I being naive? Unrealistic? Not grounded in the real world?

When someone publicly attacks another’s professionalism, don’t we sue them for defamation, protecting our honour and integrity?

But here’s the irony.  In this act we give our power to the lawyer, the attacker, the court of public opinion.  We bypass our own pain, bypass our own power, bypass our own sovereignty.  We seek comfort in control and resolution, but comfort is often the enemy of growth.

And we reinforce the attacker’s feeling of unsafety.

When we defend, we reinforce the story because we are responding from inside the story, believing that the story can hurt us.  When we believe the story can hurt us we are making the story real.   And the moment we believe the story is real… so it will be.

Defencelessness Is Not Powerlessness

To act from defencelessness is not to roll over.

It’s to stand with our feet in the fire and not throw more flames.

And what about the word that kept whispering to me: Belonging?

To think that love does not belong where conflict exists is being a Pollyanna. It’s because conflict is absent of love that love belongs there the most…..because those who lead their lives from the consciousness of love know through their experience that love is the only medicine and the only path that transforms everything.

Wisdom from the Village

This morning I facilitated a coaching call for the powerful, loving and wise women in My Best Year Yet. I brought this lesson into this call as it had been waking me up all night. 

I had a sense that sitting shoulder to shoulder, we would grow our wisdom around this lesson together.

And we did.

Here’s what emerged from those wise women:

“In my defencelessness my safety lies… because not all things are as they appear. They have an ulterior motive, designed by love.”

“In my defencelessness, my remembering occurs through the vulnerability of asking for help from my village - and receiving it.”

“In my defencelessness, I remember I am my own creator - and this remembering occurs not from doubt, but from deepening.”

“In my defencelessness, my safety lies in the acceptance of what is, in my trust and faith, rather than my resistance and judgment.”

And then the one that knocked our socks off:

“When I know the universe is in complete devotion to me - when I know the quantum field is holding the issue (and my dreams) - I actually need to be defenceless, and I need to let go of control.”

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Final Words

This isn’t a lesson to grasp with the intellect alone because it does not have the ability to give you evidence that there is truth in this premise.

The understanding of it can only come through your lived experience….and that only comes from “trying it on”, surrendered, with your whole being.

It will definitely stretch and challenge you.  You may even firstly defend the model you know based on blame and shame and defend, attack and rescue.

And if you’re brave enough and you “try it on”, surrendered, you’ll see that defencelessness is not weakness, but where miracles are curated.

And then you’ll see that it’s the greatest strength you’ve never been taught to trust.

And it might just change everything.

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