The Game-Changer You Didn't Know You Were Looking For
Do not be afraid to face yourself head on
I woke up this morning in deep gratitude for a wonderful woman (T) I have been coaching for five weeks. She’d been through a period of depression and fog exacerbated by separation from her family of origin. She came to me seeking meaning and purpose, thinking she wanted to become a coach herself, until we saw that chaplaincy in hospices was what was calling.
As we sat together yesterday, we were in awe of the momentum gained in five weeks. She said she felt a force from behind freeing her from the past and moving her into her future and how different she felt. 🙏🏼
Why I’m pulled to write this article is to speak to the key contributing piece for this momentum because this applies to every reader here. Having said that I have no control whether you’ll want to consider this for yourself, and in fact I’m sure I’ll get some unsubscribes. But for those who do I trust this may be the game changer you didn’t know you were looking for.
My work with T has been about her ‘identity’, meaning the type of person she had defined herself to be that life in return consistently proved that definition right. Except this ‘identity’ set up a whole lot of unwanted and undesirable realities.
T defined herself as a ‘survivor’. In fact she was proud of being a ‘survivor’.
What happens when you’re a ‘survivor’?
You have to have things to fight against. Family conflict. Threats to personal safety. Violence. Unexpected drama. Shame. Rejection. Depression.
When T became aware that being a ‘survivor’ was an identity she put on, she was awe-struck by the fact that the story of her life was an immaculate reflection for the ‘survivor’. In that moment of awareness bondage to that identity loosened its grip and T’s life is now re-arranging itself and coming into balance and harmony.
There are many identities we can put on. And we all do.
The identity of being the ‘rescuer’ sets up a story line of being in relationship with disempowered people and the presence of chaos and crisis so that there is someone or something to rescue.
The identity of being the ‘nice guy/girl’ sets up a story line of impending disappointment and failure through the handing over of power to avoid rejection and conflict and resolve self-doubt and lack of confidence.
The identity of being ‘the one in control’ sets up a story line of incessant disarray and turmoil to have people and things to have control over and bring order to.
The identity of being ‘the cynical one’ sets up a story line where life continually proves not to have their back, creating further distrust from repeated betrayal after betrayal.
The identity of being ‘the supporter’ sets up a storyline of being forgotten, invisible and at worse discarded.
We blindly continue believing this is who we are until something snaps, until the pain is too unbearable, often until that moment we’re on our knees.
Highly dysfunctional relationships, messy divorces and family breakups, business failures and public ones at that, promotions going to others, legal entanglements, illness including cancer, infidelity, patterns of being fired or redundancies……these are some of the consequences of undefined identities or believing that these identities are who we are.
It’s amazing what happens however when you see the identity and decide to put it down.
Like T, when the cause is seen and we drop the act of blaming and judging, it’s quite the moment of liberation. Completing the relationship with our identity is not only a time of undoing, it’s also a time of becoming.
Through T’s life as a ‘survivor’, she learnt a lot about compassion, empathy, understanding and unconditional love. Because of this I asked T a few weeks ago ‘where would such absence of judgment and ability to love so compassionately and unconditionally be needed, well placed?’
And thus the calling of Hospice Chaplain emerged and T has since submitted her application for this specialised training.
So do not be afraid of meeting your identity head on. Do not be afraid of fronting up and taking personal responsibility for the life you’ve been living, especially if it contains some war wounds. Because like T is experiencing what’s on the other side of that identity is pretty magical, and ironically, would not have unfolded had it not been for the life T experienced as a ‘survivor’.
You are a divine composition.